To self-tan or not?


During our whirlwind of farewells, my sister joked with me that I should “come back when you are paler than the milk”.  I laughed but didn’t think much of it, I mean how pale can a Saffa get really?  We haven’t spent decades indoors, that must count for something, right?

I have fair skin so I’ve never been brown as a berry but I’ve also never really had anything less than a soft caramel colour on my arms and legs.

During my first summer here I had a secret giggle at the earnest conversations in the office about self-tan, the recommendations, the advice, the DETAILED discussions on application.  I shook my head and just spent as much time outside as I could, I even got sunburnt that first year!

*note to newbies: do not underestimate English sun - wear your sunscreen!

Fast forward 3 winters and I am facing a real conundrum.  In 40+ years I have never felt the need to self-tan – sure we all feel a little pale when we enter Spring in South Africa but it doesn’t stop us from donning our shorts and sprawling on the grass to get some colour, which we get rather quickly.

Except now.  I really need some colour.  Fast.

The situation is this: I want to wear skirts and celebrate the warm, sunny weather and we all know that coming out of the long English winter brings one particular problem in that your hairy legs need a strimmer rather than a razor.  But this year I’ve noticed that to add insult to injury, my legs are now translucent.  This is not an exaggeration either.  I have a tattoo on each ankle that both look like they’ve been drawn in sharpie – on white paper.  If I stand too still at a white wall I’m in very real danger of blending in and looking like Hollow Man.

So I am about to embark on the adventure of my first self-tan and I haven’t a cooking clue how to do this right.

I mean, self-tan is full of booby traps right?  
The orange fingers, the streaks, going too dark, missing your face and having this weird floating head effect over your tanned neck.  I can’t get images of orange tinted Trump out of my mind either. And of course there is the timing of all of this – you can’t do this mid-week and become noticeably tanned and therefore letting everyone know it’s fake.

This. Is. Terrifying.

I wracked my brains, trying to remember what my colleagues have said in the past two summers, all those conversations I overheard and sneered at must have taught me something.  I will never be caught dead actually asking so I’m relying heavily on my middle aged memory here.

I remembered one brand of self-tan that everyone raved about, specifically because it was vegan so I go on a hunt to find it.  I also remember that you need some sort of sponge or glove for application, I assume you can find this in the self-tan aisle at Boots (I was right, it’s even marked clearly for dummies like me!)

Tanning WATER??????

Armed with my purchases, I am ready to give this a go.  

I even have a plan:
  • Do really light application on Friday night
  • Check results on Saturday
  • Reapply another light application on Saturday if slightly darker results are needed
  • Check results on Sunday
  • Purchase self-tan remover on Monday if necessary and start again next weekend
What can possibly go wrong???

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