To self-tan or not?
During our
whirlwind of farewells, my sister joked with me that I should “come back when
you are paler than the milk”. I laughed
but didn’t think much of it, I mean how pale can a Saffa get really? We haven’t spent decades indoors, that must
count for something, right?
I have fair
skin so I’ve never been brown as a berry but I’ve also never really had
anything less than a soft caramel colour on my arms and legs.
During my
first summer here I had a secret giggle at the earnest conversations in the
office about self-tan, the recommendations, the advice, the DETAILED discussions
on application. I shook my head and just
spent as much time outside as I could, I even got sunburnt that first year!
*note to newbies:
do not underestimate English sun - wear your sunscreen!
Fast
forward 3 winters and I am facing a real conundrum. In 40+ years I have never felt the need to
self-tan – sure we all feel a little pale when we enter Spring in South Africa but
it doesn’t stop us from donning our shorts and sprawling on the grass to get
some colour, which we get rather quickly.
Except
now. I really need some colour. Fast.
The
situation is this: I want to wear skirts and celebrate the warm, sunny weather
and we all know that coming out of the long English winter brings one
particular problem in that your hairy legs need a strimmer rather than a razor. But this year I’ve noticed that to add insult
to injury, my legs are now translucent.
This is not an exaggeration either.
I have a tattoo on each ankle that both look like they’ve been drawn in
sharpie – on white paper. If I stand too
still at a white wall I’m in very real danger of blending in and looking like
Hollow Man.
So I am
about to embark on the adventure of my first self-tan and I haven’t a cooking
clue how to do this right.
I mean, self-tan
is full of booby traps right?
The orange
fingers, the streaks, going too dark, missing your face and having this weird
floating head effect over your tanned neck.
I can’t get images of orange tinted Trump out of my mind either. And of
course there is the timing of all of this – you can’t do this mid-week and become
noticeably tanned and therefore letting everyone know it’s fake.
This. Is. Terrifying.
I wracked
my brains, trying to remember what my colleagues have said in the past two
summers, all those conversations I overheard and sneered at must have taught me
something. I will never be caught dead
actually asking so I’m relying heavily on my middle aged memory here.
I
remembered one brand of self-tan that everyone raved about, specifically
because it was vegan so I go on a hunt to find it. I also remember that you need some sort of
sponge or glove for application, I assume you can find this in the self-tan aisle
at Boots (I was right, it’s even marked clearly for dummies like me!)
Armed with
my purchases, I am ready to give this a go.
I even have a plan:
- Do really light application on Friday night
- Check results on Saturday
- Reapply another light application on Saturday if slightly darker results are needed
- Check results on Sunday
- Purchase self-tan remover on Monday if necessary and start again next weekend
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